Update, August 2024

I can't believe another month has passed since my last update! There's two things I've been wanting to tell you all this month. One is very personal, and will give you a little bit of insight into my world. The other is about my work. Let's start with the personal bit.

It's no secret that I'm not a neurotypical person

Please feel free to skip on if this is not relatable or interesting for you - I won't be offended! I'm sharing it because previously, when I've spoken out about my experiences, some of my readers have associated with what I describe, and have found it helpful or vindicating. I love it when I find out that sharing my story has helped someone else.

For several years now, I've been certain that I have Aspergers - or as we say now, autism. Two of my sons have been diagnosed, and there is no doubt in anyone's mind that the label fits my personality traits and experiences perfectly. I have never felt the need to get this confirmed, except once, when someone online had a go at me for 'claiming to be autistic' when I didn't have a diagnosis.

Over the past few years, I have learned a great deal about myself, and how I am affected by my autism. I've tapped into all the received wisdom, but I've always felt that it didn't quite match my experience. Then a few weeks ago, I started googling for information about autistic thinking. I wanted to know why I am intelligent enough to study at a postgraduate level and pass exams, when I struggle so much with linear thought processes. I was getting increasingly frustrated by the search results - they all seeed to be tropes and generalisations about autism. Things like "difficulty understanding and responding to others' perspectives", or "difficulty with predictive and sequential thinking problems".

Nobody was explaining WHY.

Then suddenly, I came across some research which put everything into a new light. Apparently, in the autistic brain, there are fewer long-range connections and a significantly higher number of short-range connections. There is plenty of scientific evidence for this phenomenon.

Unfortunately, I'm not a scientist so this is going to be tricky to explain, and it might not be right in every detail... but I'll do the best I can.

Apparently, it all stems from the growth of the synapses which connect our neurons. In layman's terms, in early childhood our synapses develop to excess - this is called synaptic overgrowth. Then later in adolescence, there is a phase called synaptic pruning, during which we selectively break down the synapses that aren’t useful. In neurotypical people, this pruning process is fairly consistent. However, if you're autistic, your synapses don't undergo the same degree of pruning, and the pruning which takes place varies greatly between individuals. Not only do autistic brains become vastly different from neurotypical brains, but also vastly different from each other, (unlike neurotypical brains, which are essentially quite similar to each other).

We autists end up with what has been described as an "intricately pleated brain", featuring highly organized local connectivity, but decreased global connectivity. This results in some fabulous consequences, such as enhanced creativity, associative thinking, and lateral thinking.

In my case, every thought I have forms more connections than it needs, more diversions, and more distractions. My thoughts spin off course in multiple directions and jump about, and I cannot fully control them. This is brilliant for research. Allowing my mind to go where it wants can be remarkably productive. I find it entirely natural to bounce around, exploring different avenues. This explains why I think so creatively, and why I enjoy mentally absorbing hobbies like genealogy so much.

There is no doubt that my disorganised thought can have negative consequences. It can be very frustrating and sometime upsetting to have non-linear thought patterns. It stops me from following an organised path, such as a single career. The cognitive noise makes it hard to concentrate on certain tasks.

Ruminating is one of my worst traits! I hash things over again and again, churning the subject endlessly, always without resolution, which can cause infinite annoyance to myself, or unwittingly, to others. I find it easier to organise my thoughts when I speak them out loud, so my poor husband has to get used to listening to me worrying away at a topic, and then, just when he thinks I'm ok, and that the matter is resolved, I start the whole thing up again a few hours, days, or even weeks later.

This also explains why I like to calm my thoughts with a jigsaw or a crossword. When I'm engaged in gentle mental activity, allowing my brain to focus lightly on the task in hand seems to prevent me from getting stuck in thought loops. Taking the tiller on a narrowboat has the same positive effect on me. It engages my brain just enough to calm the chaos stream. I would hate something like knitting. There is not enough mental exertion. I would become bored, and I would undoubtedly descend into intractable brooding.

I'll give you a couple of simple ways to visualise my type of disorganised thought.

Firstly, at bedtime I often want to start talking to my husband as soon as the lights go off. If I don't, my thoughts pile in and I can't relax. If I verbalise my thoughts, it keeps them tidier and I become calmer. Recently, I've taken to holding a small dachshund toy in my fist at night. My son calls him my 'grippy'; I call him Kevin. Just having that small focus of holding something can help to calm my mind.

Secondly, if I close my eyes and relax, then count in my head from 1 to 50, by the time I get to 3 or 4, some sort of random thought will have interfered, and before I know it, my concentration has totally lapsed. When I practice really hard, I can get to about 25 before I get distracted. I find it easier to stay on track if I add a physical prompt, such as blinking or a muscle twitch with each number. Counting aloud is easy - the speech habit and muscle memory must be strong enough to defeat my chaotic thoughts. Does this happen for you too? Let me know in the comments!

I am still gaining new insights from the discovery of synaptic pruning. It has been remarkably vindicating, and it has taken away a lot of the guilt I feel about my inability to apply focus consistently, or grasp certain subjects easily. I accept that I can only think in an organised fashion when my synaptic connections allow for it, so I don't have to beat myself up about the days when I can't think straight, or even formulate a proper sentence.

Do you relate?

I promised a work update in this post, and it's this:

I am now a registered Domestic Energy Assessor

Domestic Energy Assessors measure a property's size, insulation, heating systems, and other factors that can affect its energy efficiency, in order to produce Energy Performance Certificates, known as EPCs. These certificates are required by law whenever anyone sells or let a property.

Most of my estate agency services are booked through a platform called Viewber, and until now I have been qualified to conduct all but one of their offerings - doing EPCs (Energy Performance Certificates). It has been niggling at me for ages that I should get on with getting qualified, especially when my work involved letting EPC surveyors into the properties for which I am a keyholder. They all told me that it wasn't too difficult, and I should give it a go. I finally bit the bullet this summer.

I do love studying, but this qualfication has been quite a challenging one in some ways. There was a great deal of regulatory material which stopped me from getting immersed in the interesting bits. Some of the knowledge required was incredibly technical, and we seemed to skim over it at a rate of knots. Some of the methodology seemed entirely illogical. Not the least of my issues was that there were some maddening gaps between submitting an assignment and getting feedback. You can well imagine how much I struggled with the silence.

But I got there in the end...

I am now fully qualified, and registered with an accreditation agency to carry out EPC surveys. So far I've done five case studies, and now I'm waiting to do my first live appointment.

I also feel the urge to produce some training materials for would-be Assessors.

Maybe it's just my messy mind coming up with yet another wild goose chase of a 'cunning plan', or maybe this idea actually has legs...

I'll let you know how it goes!